Book Excerpts

Nothing is usual, customary, or connected when one must work through deep emotional and spiritual woundedness. And so, I have chosen to write healing of a violated spirit in a style that that is not usual, customary, or connected. My intended purpose is for the reader to hopefully "see" and feel through "wounded eyes." The more we as a society are willing to see the hurting through their eyes, the more we can truly help those who bear deep woundedness.

In place of the usual introduction, preface, or prolong, I included writings in healing of a violated spirit to introduce myself to you, to share with you an understanding of my views, and the stands that I take. This link includes three of those writings: "A Survivor's Journey, a Marriage Story," "Repressed Memories," and "Seeing God Through Wounded Eyes." The fourth writing is taken in part from Chapter 26, "Toxic Religion vs. Grace Filled Relationship."

A Survivor's Journey, A Marriage Story
Repressed Memories
Seeing God through Wounded Eyes
Toxic Religion vs. Grace Filled Relationship

A survivor's journey, a marriage story

Mother, I was sexually abused as a child. No voice comes through the phone. Then words softly spoken, "Who was it?" The name of the person is not important. "I don't understand how it could have happened." Mother, I don't need your words of disbelief. I was hurt as a child. I'm hurting now! Please believe me. I need your love, not your questions and doubt!

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Sexual and spiritual abuse destroys innocence - devalues human life - extinguishes one's identity. Violation penetrates the soul - wounds the inner spirit - and invades the marriage relationship. As communication between the husband and wife breaks down, a stockpile of resentment builds - dreams are shattered. The man and woman once in love must decide - do we remain in a relationship that isn't working or do we divorce? Either way, if there are children, they will bear the scars.

Treatment of emotional and spiritual woundedness parallels chemotherapy for cancer - venturing through a life-altering process in hopes that one might be free to enjoy life again. Is healing from traumatic woundedness possible? Yes. Is the process easy? No. In all honesty, it was the hardest work I have ever done. But through it all, one thing I have learned for sure - on the other side of fear is freedom.

I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker. I am a registered nurse with limited training in psychology. My primary reference for writing the book healing of a violated spirit is twenty years of journal notes, countless counseling sessions, and considerable learning.

The marriage crisis that Bill and I survived mirrors the relational upheaval that is destroying countless marriages in today's world. We experienced the heartaches. We fully understand the breakdowns in communication. We lived through the times when life overwhelmed - the times when divorce seemed the only resolve.

It is our hope that healing of a violated spirit will give the reader insights to the core issues of woundedness and healing. We feel for every husband, wife, and family engulfed in a relational turmoil due to the baggage of past abuse. We pray that the information contained within the pages may deepen understanding, strengthen commitment, and offer hope.

Repressed memories

Repressed memories - a flash of time - etched in sharp detail in the abyss of our subconscious minds - vivid - real - a documentation of our unrealized fears. Events, though not remembered, are not erased. As molten lava of an inactive volcano churns beneath the earthen crust, so too are repressed memories - lying dormant - waiting for the exact moment in time to surface - to control - to once again threaten existence.

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In the early-1980s, survivors of sexual abuse were breaking free of the generational curse of silence. Never tell - no one will believe you. You are to blame. Don't think. Don't question. Do as you are told. Don't cry. Don't feel.

Women were daring to speak out, sharing their stories of sexual assault, rape, and incest.

Information was coming to the forefront. Secrets were being told. Yet the limited resources available offered little help to my understanding the desperation I felt. There is so much turmoil going on inside of me. I hate the endless confusion that swarms in my head. No one seems to understand me.

Added to this, topics dealing with the reality of repressed memories and the psychological warping of a person's mind from spiritual abuse seemed taboo. My childhood - sure I remember some things. But names, places, and events - the voids in time are so vast. Terrified, I felt alone in a world that was rapidly closing in around me.

I wanted the confusion gone. I wanted to be free to live my life and enjoy my family. I had no idea that the journey ahead would encompass a timeframe of fourteen years. Some people question such a lengthy recovery. A journey to wholeness in any life takes time, energy, and perseverance. Added to this, no journey is possible without daily or lengthy interruptions in one's plans for life.

At the onset of counseling, I had NO memory of any abuse, NO concept of all that confused me. I was numb to all feelings and was out of touch with reality. I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown. I was exhausted, depressed, and extremely angry. I was totally incapable of identifying or verbalizing my true feelings toward God.

I was fortunate. Neither of the men I counseled with attempted to hasten my memory recall. They did not attempt to shorten the recovery process. They did not plant thoughts or images in my mind of what might have happened - who might have done what. Both men understood that rushing the remembering process is no different than placing a bandage over a cancerous lesion and expecting the tumor to heal. My memory recall occurred slowly, naturally, and WITHOUT the use of hypnosis.

The recollection of painful memories did not happen quickly or in a systematic order. Countless pieces of a highly complex puzzle needed to be remembered, felt, and sorted out. Often, unraveling all that surfaced during the recovery process was as confusing as the chaotic existence I had lived for years. Though I desperately wanted the pain and confusion gone, there was no quick or easy fix.

The issue of repressed memories is controversial. Many deny that memories long forgotten impact a person's life in the years to come. Many a client undergoing therapy has been ‘forced' to recall moments of childhood sexual abuse, to put the blame on a parent or relative in order to give reason for their depression or anger. Many a family has known the heartache of a parent or family member being falsely accused.

For this reason, I have incorporated within the pages of healing of a violated spirit some of my actual journal notes - "the connecting of the dots" in my recall, feeling, and healing. Narratives are based on actual journal entries, my counselor's notes of our sessions, and my emotionally reliving counseling sessions and moments of time while writing at the computer. Words have been added to some journal entries in order to add clarity of thought. However, nothing was added to enhance the reading. My healing-recovery journey, as recorded in healing of a violated spirit, is how I lived and experienced the recall and recovery process.

Seeing God through wounded eyes

A survivor friend, journeying through the recovery process, once verbalized her thoughts of seeing God in my writings. In a chilled tone she stated, "If I see God mentioned on the back cover or in the introduction, I won't read the book!" I understood the depth of her emotions.

The psychological, emotional, and spiritual damage caused from being subjected to spiritual abuse created deeper confusion in my mind than my being subjected to sexual abuse. The combination of being sexually and spiritually victimized was a psychological beating.

As my distorted view of God and Jesus was a significant part of the core woundedness I needed to resolve, I found it impossible to write of my healing journey without dealing with my intense fear of God, my anger toward God, and my feelings of abandonment by Jesus.

Since childhood, I have understood God to be a Father, a male image. For me, referencing God with either a neutral or feminine pronoun was not an option. Changing the pronoun may have at first eased my fears. In the long run, altering God's identity to suit my woundedness would have masked one of the most crucial issues in my recovery and healing.

For me, to be completely reconciled with God, it was imperative that I learn, in my timing, to trust and love God in a male image. And so, throughout the book, healing of a violated spirit, I reference God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit with a male pronoun.

Toxic religion vs. grace filled relationship

I am frequently asked, "Shelley, what do you mean by spiritual abuse?"

What I call spiritual abuse others may call church abuse. Some people think of church abuse as sexual misconduct. My understanding is broader. I see spiritual abuse as any dominance or abuse of power by any leadership of church - ministers, youth leaders, committee personnel, Sunday school teachers, or any other person.

A spiritual abuser is one who manipulates children, teenagers, or adults by claiming God's authority and/or by using or misrepresenting the personhood of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. A spiritual abuser is one who uses the misinterpretations of Biblical scriptures to threaten and control another person.

Spiritual abuse includes, but is not limited to, inappropriate sexual conduct with children, teens, or adults. Spiritual abuse is the dominating of another person's thinking or behavior with threats of God's punishment. Spiritual abuse is the shifting of one's thinking away from God to the importance of a mortal man or woman.

Spiritual abuse within the home includes the dominance of husband over his wife and children in any manner that is in conflict with Jesus' witness of love. Either parent may be a spiritual abuser of spouse and children in the home.

Spiritual abuse in the church can be a double edge sword - a minister's "leadership" dominating the congregation - or - members of the congregation dominating the pastor's "running" of the church. Neither is healthy.

Spiritual violation distorts the thinking of a vulnerable child of God. Spiritual victimization transforms relationships as God intends into warped relationships as man/woman intends - a self-satisfying "church" of toxic religion. Spiritual violation estranges. There is shame in unworthiness of the soul.

The spiritual abuser vs. Jesus
A spiritual abuser takes from another for his/her gain or pleasure.
Jesus gives of himself.

A spiritual abuser wounds with words and touch.
Jesus heals with words and touch.

A spiritual abuser's love is conditional.
Jesus' love is unconditional.

A spiritual abuser demands silence and secrecy.
Jesus encourages people to "go and share the good news."

A spiritual abuser controls with threats, coercion, manipulation, and physical punishment.
Jesus does not force himself or his views on anyone.

A spiritual abuser degrades a person's self-worth.
Jesus edifies.

A spiritual abuser imprisons and renders one powerless.
Jesus frees and empowers.

A spiritual abuser desires power.
Jesus desires relationship.

A spiritual abuser offers nothing.
Jesus offers eternal life.